Response to a “A Real Boyfriend”

So I’ve been seeing a bunch of stuff on relationships on my Facebook feed these days, and I’m so, so close to hiding a lot of people from my feed already. This one entitled “A Real Boyfriend” had me shaking my head, rolling my eyes, and immediately thinking of a response.

The version I saw goes like this:

A REAL BOYFRIEND

When she stares at your mouth
Kiss her

When she pushes you or hits you like a dummy cause she
thinks shes stronger than you
Grab her and don’t let go

When she starts cursing at you trying to act all tough
Kiss her and tell her you love her

When she’s quiet
Ask her whats wrong

When she ignores you
Give her your attention

When she pulls away
Pull her back

When you see her at her worst
Tell her she’s beautiful

When you see her start crying
Just hold her and don’t say a word

When you see her walking
Sneak up and hug her waist from behind

When she’s scared
Protect her

When she steals your favorite hoodie
Let her keep it and sleep with it for a night

When she teases you
Tease her back and make her laugh

When she doesn’t answer for a long time
reassure her that everything is okay

When she looks at you with doubt
Back yourself up

When she says that she loves you
she really does more than you can understand

When she grabs at your hands
Hold her’s and play with her fingers

When she bumps into you;
bump into her back and make her laugh

When she tells you a secret
keep it safe and untold

When she looks at you in your eyes
dont look away until she does

When she says it’s over
she still wants you to be hers

When she reposts this bulletin, she wants you to read it

– Stay on the phone with her even if she’s not saying anything
– When she’s mad hug her tight and don’t let go
– When she says she’s ok don’t believe it, talk with her because 10 yrs later she’ll remember you
– Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her
– Treat her like she’s all that matters to you
– Stay up all night with her when she’s sick
– Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think it’s stupid
– Give her the world.
– Let her wear your clothes
– When she’s bored and sad, hang out with her
– Let her know she’s important.
– Don’t talk about other girls around her
– Kiss her in the pouring rain
– When she runs up to you crying, the first thing you say is, “Whose ass am i kicking baby?”

And here is mine, after the jump:

A REAL BOYFRIEND

When she stares at your mouth
Check your mouth. There might be food hanging out of it and you had no idea.

When she pushes you or hits you like a dummy cause she thinks shes stronger than you
You’re an idiot for thinking of her as a dummy in the first place.

When she starts cursing at you trying to act all tough
Well, if she did it jokingly, curse right back, because that’s a silly thing you two have going. Otherwise, let her know that verbal abuse goes both ways.

When she’s quiet
Think that she just might want to be quiet and don’t assume that something is immediately wrong.

When she ignores you
Withdraw for a while, but let her know you’re there for her.

When she pulls away
Withdraw for a while, but let her know you’re there for her. (Yeah, the repeat’s intentional)

When you see her at her worst
Acknowledge whatever it is that is affecting her and try to help her out. (I take issue with the first version, because being at your “worst” isn’t necessarily related to appearance)

When you see her start crying
Just hold her and don’t say a word (Okay, this is all right, but I recommend asking her what’s wrong.)

When you see her walking
Wave hello and walk with her. And for the love of gods, don’t “sneak up and hug her waist from behind” because she might wonder if she’s being sexually assaulted. Plus, it’s not really going to work if you’re walking towards each other.

When she’s scared
Encourage her. She doesn’t need protecting, but she will need a bit of a boost to face whatever’s scaring her.

When she steals your favorite hoodie
Why the hell are you wearing a hoodie? It’s hot out.

When she teases you
Tease her back and make her laugh (This is fine, too.)

When she doesn’t answer for a long time
What the fuck does this even mean.

When she looks at you with doubt
Make a funny face. Or you know, ask what she’s doubting about in the first place.

When she says that she loves you
Then she loves you, bro.

When she grabs at your hands
Just hold them, dammit, you don’t need to do anything fancy.

When she bumps into you
Do nothing. People bump into each other randomly. It happens. It’s not an opportunity for a cute moment.

When she tells you a secret
keep it safe and untold. (Yeah.)

When she looks at you in your eyes
Have a staring contest and see whose eyes water first. Who really intentionally sits down for an intense eye gazing session anyway? Isn’t it likely that she just happened to have looked into your eyes?

When she says it’s over
Then it could very well be over. Sometimes, it’s really just over and is not a challenge for you to win her heart back. If she meant it, you will end up looking like a psycho ex-boyfriend.

– Stay on the phone with her even if she’s not saying anything. >> All right, I suppose. Better than hanging up abruptly.
– When she’s mad hug her tight and don’t let go >> Step back and let her cool off for a while.
– When she says she’s ok don’t believe it, talk with her because 10 yrs later she’ll remember you >> No. Sometimes, it really is all just okay. Women aren’t doublespeaking all the damn time.
– Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her >> This is sweet and all, but it’s not a requirement.
– Treat her like she’s all that matters to you. >> No, treat her she’s the most important people in your life, not as the only thing that matters. You have a life too.
– Stay up all night with her when she’s sick. >> Get some rest too, or you’ll end up sick.
– Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think it’s stupid >> Yeah, it’s only fair, she’s also probably taking an interest in whatever you’re into.
– Give her the world. >> If you two understand each other, you would have set reasonable expectations. This suggestion only implies that women always want want want everything from their partners all the time.
– Let her wear your clothes. >> No problem here.
– When she’s bored and sad, hang out with her >> Okay, this is good.
– Let her know she’s important. >> This too.
– Don’t talk about other girls around her >> Again, if you two know each other well enough, you would be comfortable discussing who’s pretty and who’s not, in the same way that you two can talk about guys who are and aren’t cute.
– Kiss her in the pouring rain >> No, or both of you will get sick.
– When she runs up to you crying, the first thing you say is, “Hey, what’s wrong?” Don’t assume that she wants you to play the big hero and punch out whoever or whatever is upsetting her–that really isn’t attractive at all. For all you know, she’s crying for different reasons: a traumatic season finale of one of her TV shows, a dead family member, a dead pet, a glorious movie. It could be anything.

April 27, 2013 by Lynn
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