This is dead well-written and spot-on. Hard to believe that people like that actually exist, but there you go.

I know this kind of post has already been done to death by people who weren’t as lazy as I was in recording their observations of people’s behavior on Facebook. But I’ve recently been getting so sick of Facebook and exceedingly critical of a lot of what people do that I just had to break them down in these categories, mainly because I can’t really go and slap them in person.

The Multitaskers. They boggle the mind. You can find them washing dishes, playing basketball, playing badminton with their families, fighting off rampaging bears, and performing brain surgery WHILE updating their status messages.

The Eternal Cheerleaders. People who constantly post inspiring quotations on their own walls and those of others. They mean well, but because they usually get their inspiring quotes from the latest self-help book they’ve read, they can get pretty annoying.

The Namedroppers. Call this the online equivalent of people who like flaunting the brand of clothes they have or new gadgets they’ve acquired. In Facebook’s case, these people tend to mention that they just got this or that item or drinking this brand of expensive wine and eating a platter of expensive cheeses.

The Regretfuls. The what-iffers online, a.k.a. people who always post, “I should never have eaten that last piece of pizza,” “I never should have said that,” “I really should watch the words that come out of my mouth.”

The Party Animals. At a party or a night out, you’ll always find a few people with a camera permanently glued to their hands and snapping away at the slightest provocation. They’re always pretty quick to put up pictures as well, and these pictures usually feature them dressed to the nines with their friends and holding an alcoholic beverage, a bottle of beer or a martini, for preference.

The Proud Parents. Yes, there’s nothing wrong with being a parent and being proud of your kids. But these people take it to another level, and you can’t find a picture of them without their kids and nine out of ten status updates are about their kids. Their photo albums might consist of them giving birth, at their kids’ birthday party or some other kid’s birthday party, having a “lazy day” with the kids at home, or posing in a studio for a family portrait.

The Eats-and-Shoots. When did going out for a meal automatically make for a photo opportunity? These people have their cameras at the ready every time they go out to eat, turning every meal into a major event and making it look like they have such incredible social lives.

The Jetsetters. Flip through their albums and you’ll find countless pictures of them on their many vacations. These people also tend to update their friends on where they are or where they’re heading next. “Just got back here in Budapest after a business meeting in Vietnam.” Yeah, we get it, you’ve got a busy, exciting life that takes you around the world.

The Beach Bunnies. There are many people who thoroughly enjoy putting up photos of themselves at the beach, most likely just bragging about how good they look in their bikinis; either these people have been stuck in the office for a while and missing the beach or were fat once and now want to show their old high school classmates or friends that they’ve changed a whole lot over the years.

The Town Criers. What’s the latest on Conan O’Brien’s career? Where can you send donations to victims of floods and earthquakes? When’s this or that movie coming out? Any updates on this or that political issue in the country and abroad? The town crier knows.

The Sentimentals. – These can make a lot of people cringe, because they simply love posting old yearbook or childhood photos–and tagging as many people as they can remember.

The Aspiring Models. For some reason, they get studio headshots or full-body photos and proudly put them up online.

The Workaholics. A look at their status messages and you’ll get the impression that they’re swamped with work, because they usually complaining about going to work on a weekend, working at 3 in the morning, or doing overtime again–and then you notice that they’ve got the time to let everyone know about it.

The Hostiles. Either they’re cussing someone out in their status updates, telling them to shut the hell up, or sending forth messages of the passive-aggressive kind.

When news of this piece of inanity broke out several months ago, the local blogging community didn’t know whether to laugh, sneer, believe the words spouting out of the mouths of the show’s leads, or what. I had no words for it either, apart from the abuse I repeatedly hurled at the trying-hard-to-be-cool copy on the website as well as their annoyingly persistent use of the term “Manila social pawn fixture.” Yet I had to admit that I was irresistibly drawn to this trainwreck of a web series and excitedly looked forward to the premiere of the first episode, which would supposedly take place sometime in May.

May passed. So did June. Not a peep came out.

So what the hell happened to the Helium Club? If you got here asking the same question, well, I don’t know myself. I do wonder if it will be unleashed unto us when we least expect it, but I’m not holding my breath. It’s too bad, though, I would’ve added a new object of mockery to my mile-long list.

There appears to be a rash of zombies everywhere you look nowadays–Urban Dead, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and Plants Vs. Zombies, anyone?–that some people are just yawning about it and getting sick of it. Fascination for the undead will probably never die–much like the aforementioned objects of the fascination–and at least there’s something strangely…adorable and entertaining about zombies. They lurch around, decompose, and seek brains. That’s it. You won’t catch any zombie writing anguished diary entries, brooding in their opulent abodes, looking back on all the centuries that have passed, sparkling, or denying their nature so they won’t become monsters. Zombies are hardcore, baby, albeit in need of brains.

And in honor of zombies, a glorious, glorious couple actually had a zombie cake made for their wedding–and everyone’s brains are exploding at the coolness of it. Even better than that: The cake was red fucking velvet.

Aiming to cure the Filipino’s culture of tardiness – or “Filipino time” as it is commonly known – a senator has filed a bill that seeks to synchronize all time devices in the country to set a standard Philippine time.

Sen. Edgardo Angara said Senate Bill 3479 aims to “breed a new culture of promptness” among Filipinos. Read more.

Wouldn’t it be nice if those time devices were capable of delivering a short, sharp shock to everyone within its vicinity to remind people that they have appointments to go to? Come on. You can synchronize clocks all you want, but that’s not going to get people to stop being tardy. Besides, if you want to make sure people are always on time, you have to do a bunch of other things as well. Get the MMDA or DPWH to stop repairing roads in the middle of rush hour and causing traffic jams, for one, or at least get them to use signs warning people of construction work up ahead, for starters.

I hate the show and I hate Willie Revillame, but I have to thank it for throwing up gems like this one.